Being Mom..
Many years ago, when I was still in school, I was in distress. I wanted everything because they were just simply important for me. Being a grade A student, popular, party-chick, active in organization, a cool girlfriend, etc. I didnt have priority, because I wanted e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
So, I was in a deep shit.
I got ill. I had to stay in hospital. I lost weight (actualy this was the best part). Some friends thought I became a junkie (because i lost sooo many kgs in such a short time). The diagnosis was: fanny is too tired and depressed.
And of course, when you were in trouble, or pain, or both, you turned to someone you knew would always be there for you. YOUR MOM.
You might forget your mom when you got the world in your hand…. but 9 out of 10.. she’s the one you contacted first when you’re ill, or lonely, or broke, or troubled, or broken hearted, etc.
Why? Because she’s MOM. She’s always there. That simple.
I remembered then, my mom caressed my hair, stroke my back gently and wishpered to me "Oalah Fan… Mama just wants you to be happy"
When she said those words, she was in despair. I didnt know why, but I know why, NOW.
Like any other moms, she blamed her self when her baby is in trouble. She thought she did somethingwrong that made me sick, stressed, and sad. She might tought that she pushed me too hard or… something else. Somewhere along the line, she made mistake.
Well, she didnt. That’s for sure.
I wish I knew then so I could tell her about it.
But now, being a mother my self.. I am able to relate with her feeling back then. I understand what she meant when she said that ‘all I want is to see you happy’. Because that exactly how I feel about Alyssa.
I must admit that sometimes I am trapped in the situation where I want so much from her. Of course I want her to be smart. The smartest kid in the world. Plus cute. The cutest in the universe. Highly intelligent. Charismatic. Charming.You name it. I want to give her the world, and I want her to reach the sky.
One day in a toyshop, I had an argument with Jo over what toy to buy for Alyssa. Jo wanted to but something that according to me ‘its-not-educative-enough’. In my opinion, the toy that he chose was not approved by my highly standart of toy-choosing. And then suddenly he said something that like a slap on my face: "But why does it always have to be educative? Can she just simply have fun once in a while?"
Goddamnit. He’s right. This time. (Normally, I’m the one that always- let me repat, always- right.)
Seriously, they are right. Both my mom and my hubby. Deep down inside I know, that all I want is for Alyssa to be happy. To have a meaningful, joyful life. And I will count my self very blessed and succesful mother if I can help her reach that kindda life.
It’s not fame. It’s not money. It’s not success.
It’s not about being the smartest, the cutest, the best-dressed kid.
It’s about being friendly to people, being nice with warm heart. It’s about being open-minded and generous. It’s about having integrity and self-esteem.
That will make me sooooooooooooo proud.
The same proudness that I had when I saw her shared her toys with other kids. Or when people in the daycare told me how sweet and well behaved she is. Or when I saw her tried to do everything on her own, from taking her own drink from a cartoon in the fridge to cleaning up her mess. Or when she smile and being so friendly to strangers. Or when she came home from the daycare and brought me 2 pieces of masterpieces…
I hope Alyssa knows how much I love her and how much I want her to be happy.
And how proud I am as her mom.
And I hope she knows, that I will always be there for her.
The way I know how much my mom loves me and that she’s there for me…
Gosh, how i miss her now..
